Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
