Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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