I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
