It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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