So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
