My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
