Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
