just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
