I need to stop coming to work sober
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
