got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
