I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
