Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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