I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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