dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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