i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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