He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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