I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
