I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
