I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
