That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
