Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
