pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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