the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
