He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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