I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
