Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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