so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
