it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I want a musical about memes.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
