I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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