11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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