Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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