I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
