There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
