What did we do last night that was yellow?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
