we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How does it feel to date your dad?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
