Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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