I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
