I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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