and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
