My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
