come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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