He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I DEMAND FORESKIN
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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