Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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