Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
