I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
