I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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