Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
