The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
