I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
