I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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