My first STD was from a foam party
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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