I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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